Appreciate your strength
While growing up in New York City in an Italian family, I rarely left the three-square-block area that was my neighbourhood. My father was a cab driver, my mother was a housewife, and I was a cocky, tough kid.
You has to be tough to survive in the project on the lower west side of Manhattan. I remember my initiation into the neighbour at age five or six. A bigger boy had beaten me up on the way home from school.
I ran crying up to our apartment to my dad and expecting sympathy. Instead, his respond was to remove his belt, brandish it in front of me, and tell me sternly:”Anthony , you’ve got to learn not to run away from bullies. So, here are your choices. Go back outside and face this boy who just beat you up, or face my belt.
I went back outside( my dad followed me), found the boy, and fought (this time I won). I never lost another one-on-one fight (and believe me, I went on to fight in many more)
You may think my dad”s behavior was over the top, but he wisely understood a universal rule for developing self-esteem and confidence: Confidence built up gradually, one success at a time.
You can’t fake confident, and you may need to at first, but real self-confidence comes from a history of small victories and accomplishments that add up to a sense that you can handle yourself well in almost every situation.
In his many book on self-esteem, Dr Nathaniel Branden agrees as much. For him, self confidence is knowing that you have the wherewithal to function reasonably well in the world. In other words, you can’t be confident if you’re fearful or easily intimidated.
The day I beat up that bigger kid was the small victory I needed to prove myself that I could accomplish nearly anything. Who knows if I would have been half as fearless, half as driven in life if I had chosen to face my father’s belt instead?
Here’s an exercise: I suggest you take an inventory of the major accomplishments you have achieved over the past few years.
Then remind yourself of the minor ones too. What about the computer course you completed? Have you built anything that’s still standing? What about those kid you’re raising? That’s an accomplishment.
Don’t be modest. Tell the truth about how hard you worked, what sacrifices you have made. If you can’t think of any, then begin by congratulating yourself for living as long as you have.
Sheer survival is an accomplishment these days. What is unique about you? What skills do you bring to an organisation or project that you can count on?
Seriously, it pays to take the time to know your strengths and appreciate them. That is the only path to developing self-confidence.
